-Monday, December 20, 2010-12:16 AM Y
16Dec thurs settled Dad's 'tomb' in the St Anne columbarium. Now every sunday i can go greet him. Heeeehee. In the evening had church penitential service. I made confession to priest. Mainly sins of my negligence during caregiving for dad..
I'll just assume dad forgave me for spraining his ankle on 30 nov. since that nite itself i asked if he could forgive me.. he cried...wellss...
17 dec fri: baby finally did his wisdom tooth extraction after dragging for almost 5 days cos he wanted to be by my side through the whole wake and funeral. He did a surgery at mount e hospital to extract 4 teeth in the end then inpatient for a night. I spent the whole night taking care of him. i even have my own bed..it's like a hotel stay. lol..
18dec sat: The check out timing for the night was 11am so we slept till 8am when the nurse came in.. Baby was given porridge as breakfast while mine was American style - 2 croissant with jam!went home.. shack...as i didnt sleep well for the night. It's after all not my bed.. and i needa get used to baby's snores.:p I went home and rest then at night went to his place to be with him. baby get well soon ya? love u.
19dec sun: omg i ve never been so srewed up before. As the 730 am choir needed help, lydia and i agreed that she would play the 730 one while i would play the usual 9am mass. However i overslept the entire mass and only woke up when lydia called when the mass was over. I woke up with a shock! Lydia and dom went for mc breakfast thus she only played from offertory onwards.. the entrance and responsorial psalm were acapella...
First time in my life i made such a boo boo. lol. They didnt blame me..but i just felt bad. It was purely oversleeping on my side.. not because my dad passed away.. This was what they thought.. but will i be so irresponsible??
The afternoon was spent in Ah ma house as usual. But today was some big celebration where uncles and aunties bring lots of meat.It was ahma's birthday on 20dec. And it was also dad's 7th day. Ah ma was totally unkeen in celebrating her birthday..that s so understandable. She cried.. i knew why.
In the evning was christmas carolling concert at Nativity church, organised by chinese choir. It was a fantastic night of songs.. but again brings back memories cos last year 5 of us attended together..haizz.. welcome back to reality and stop dreaming.
A fresh new week tmr. Mum wants a christmas getaway after so much had happened. Probably indonesia where my uncle can be our tour guide. lol but our passports all expired and haven even renew yet. Tmr im going for phototaking. See how things go..
Till then.
-Friday, December 17, 2010-1:00 AM Y
The dream begins...
13 dec Mon: The time when we cried very hard was not when we discovered he was dead, in fact we kept singing and talking to him, hoping that he would wake up, but he didnt. We called all our relatives to tell them rush down, we called fr siew to annoint him, and also doctor to come certify his death, then finally st joseph dying aid to take him away. The most unforgettable scenario was that of when people from SJDA carried and wrapped him up in the bedsheet with a layer of plastic lastly an orange sheet and then brought him away in the lorry.. I broke down. Hate saying byebye.
At the wake during the 2 days, it's more if entertaining lots of people.. regardless of whether we know them or not.. most of them are my dad's friends. At night was those prayer groups. Dad is really blessed. People must queue to pray for him. The entire oratory has 2 rooms, dad is in room 2. The first night of the wake proved that the small room and 11 tables outside was not enough. The second day was good. The wake in room 1 ended, so dad was given 'special', by having the partition door between the 2 rooms removed. In other words, our dad has the entire oratory to himself! But.. in the day 2 of the wake which is the final night, the room was packed almost like sardine. omg luckily he has the whole oratory.:)Dad must be go good that everyone wants to see him.:)
15 dec: Last day of wake. Everyone was prepared to bid goodbye. At 3 plus the photographer took our family pictures. As we wanted to put in additional stuff like the bottle of stars we made for dad, the motivational cards we wrote for him, and lastly a prayer cloth with him, Lydia requested for the coffin to be opened. It was an unforgettable sight..we saw his whole body, wrapped in the beautiful cloth.. touch his hands..and his face.. so great.. touching dad.. He was hard..totally stiffen.. I feel fingers, his forehead, cheeks..It was nice. So difficult to part.
At last his body was taken by the van to church where the funeral mass started at 5pm. It was in Chinese. Knowing that we did not want to have a urology, Fr Henry Siew, our celebrant gave quite a detailed description of our dad during his homily. During the wake the day before, Lynette and I provided him with alot of info. Hehe. A touching one..how true it is, that dad is a great man.
After mass was to Mandai crematorium, Hall 3.Ours at 6.45pm. Bidding goodbye was always not easy. I cant forget the part where we put flowers on his coffin to bid last goodbye. It was sad. After which we were directed to the viewing hall. Many said that this is the saddest part of all. We were prepared. At the same time, we constantly remind ourselves to pray when the coffin is being pushed in. My choir member Jenny instructed us before the mass, that we should pray the rosary as dad is being burnt, because that is when the way is pave for dad to go heaven and that heaven door will be open. True enough, at that point, I closed my eyes and hugged my hubby while at the same time held back tears and mumbled Our Father..mum heard me and prayed too..soon i think everyone in the room prayed in unison. It wasnt the worst after all.. Prayer works wonders! Thanks Jenny. I thanked her today during penitential service at st anne today. The night ended with a simple chinese dinner at Ah peng restaurant.
16 dec Thur, Today. A special day: Collection of ashes from Mandai at 3pm then installation in St Anne church's columbarium, My grandfather's (dad's dad) 5th year death anniversary, my 28th month-sary with hubby.
-Wednesday, December 15, 2010-1:25 AM Y
After the turning point since 4 nov, dad finally ended his pain on 13 Dec, 1030am peacefully at home. It was unexpected on that day, but expected as a whole. The moment his bed sore turned raw on sat, i knew i wanna let him go..
These 2 nights of wake at St Joseph Dying Aid Association at Nativity Church just proved that Dad is very blessed with the love from all his relatives, and his classmates, church friends etc.
I am gonna miss him very much, definitely, because he brought us up and we had accompanied him till the very very end. All the way, his pain was shared, and he was never alone suffering. I have no regrets because i had played a part in the caregiving journey. The only sad things will be some negligence i had while taking care of him..but i m sure dad will forgive me for everything.
No more night duty, no more backaches..
No need to feed him milk and medicine, change shirt, change diaper, massage, carry him from bed to wheelchair and vice versa,clean him, remove phlegm from throat, clean the feeding tube etc..I'll be super slack.. slacking like anything.
The past 6 weeks my life only revolve around taking care of dad..it s so not used to shifting my focus back to other usual stuff. I'll be back to school come january. Life goes back to normal.I'll study hard and get my degree! CHIONG AHHH!!!
Many things at home brings back memories and all these will be stored in our hearts for life. :)
Final day tomorrow..then i wont cry anymore. enough already:)
Daddy i love u!!:))
-Thursday, December 9, 2010-1:00 PM Y
Good morning world! At 1pm. I had night duty last night..so practically i started sleeping after my dad stabilize around 6 am. Then wake up at 8 to change diapers then feed medicine then wait half hour before milk time. I slept from 10 to now.
Last night my mum and sis turned him to the left side..noticed he snored and gasped softer, means he doesnt breathe so hard in that position which is good. But cos his muscles don work, it was a very weird position for him.. i attempted the blinking method, asked if he wants back the original flat position, blink once. For once it works! He blinked! ok, back to the usual position. But the night was tough cos he started breathing hard, if i attempt to breathe at his tempo, i could feel im hyper-ventilating. Plus not sure if he hiccups for consecutive times. As i tried to fall asleep, i just got awake by his loud hiccups / breathing or whatever sounds. I would wake up and pat him. He would fall asleep. So cute:)
Mum just said that comparing with her mum who had lung cancer, she feels that dad only have a week or 2? i hope he still have christmas.
This aside, im looking forward to celebrating baby's mum's birthday tonight..gonna eat dinner together.:)
-Wednesday, December 8, 2010-4:18 PM Y
Updates time! My life since 4 nov revolves around my dad. November was the month that everything came crashing down..things started to become realistic. It was the time when dad's health became like a roller coaster: from stroke to cant swallow cant eat to stroke to cant talk to cant walk to now totally on bed. Everything happened too fast in a month that it was a bit unbelievable..cos everything was fine before then. He could still eat by himself very slowly a few mouthfuls, could still walk within the room though he was already in diapers then. He could still reject my help with his diapers when mum went out.
Currently he sleeps more than anything else. We no longer need to carry him from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to bed. This tiring process which cease starting from this week cos he feels pain when we transfer him. ok..save me from all the back pain i experienced since 3 weeks ago.. but everyday means that the day is just getting nearer and nearer. Two days ago, Dr keh came again cos dad's neck and right hand was too stiff that we cant turn him and change him. She managed to massage and rub his arm such that he loosened up. That was very good. However i realise that the more i exercised and massage his limbs, the more sleepy he felt and the louder he snore..haha.. very cute.t But on hindsight it just prove that every action by us requires him to exert much more energy. Also he is breathing deeper now..lungs also accumulating phlegm. Hmm.. so shld i continue to move his hands and legs.. i also dunno.
This period of time also makes me feel that my hubby is so important to me. He pops by to my place after work almost everyday..buys dinner and lunch (if he's on leave). Ahma likes him very much too, always cooking his share of any soup hahaas. So looking forward to 16 aug next year.. we're gonna have our solemnization on our 3rd anniversary. I'll be Mrs Desmond Yao legally..hehe although not recognized in Christ yet.. but yep.. we'll definitely have church wedding and dinner before collection of keys to our new flat.
Till then..:)