-Thursday, November 4, 2010-11:44 PM Y
Just within a day, yesterday, after i completed all the projects: reports and presentations, dad had stroke and became half paralysed. currently he's bedridden, and just basic stuff like turning/shifting himself on bed is a hard task for him.
Whole night we didnt sleep cos he choked on the morphine. Hospice doc already warned us that his stroke will caused difficulties in 3 things: eating (swallowing), speech and breathing. That night we re told to observe his condition. And yes, we really didnt get to sleep cos dad kept fidgeting on bed, trying to stand up and walk but cant cos his right side is practically strengthless. at 4 plus am he was in uncomfortable state so we called ambulance.. sent to TTSH.
Ok anyway,compared to jul when dad was admitted into GH, TTSH nurse service really sucks la. ok la, to be fair, the nurses were quite good, but just feel they are inefficient as compared to those in GH.
From helping dad to shift himself, carrying him up so as he could stand up, holding him and supporting him so that he can urinate etc.. all these require huge physical strength where im still trying to adjust myself.. me having history of back pains had to overcome all these, but all is worthwhile for dad.
In terms of nutrition, we are taught how and when to feed him, since swallowing and choking for him are becoming more problematic. Doctors suggested tube feeding, insert a tube through the nose into the stomach. But we asked dad a few times he didnt want. Basically if he cant swallow and if he has no feeding tube,not only he cant have nutition intake, but also no medication intake. He can just go within a week. I called fr siew to ask if rejecting nutrition tube is a form of sin under catholic law, and is 'glad' that the answer was, "no, up to patient".
We know what he wants, and whatever it is we'll protect his rights, his rights to choose.. whether to enforce treatment or not. After all, these so called palliative treatment are just but life preservation which just brings pain to him. I know dad just wish to go, peacefully and if possible, more comfortably with less pain. Dad, we'll protect u, cos we know u want and we d promise u what u want. We respect u in every choice u make, even if means letting u go..Mum cried when we were asked to make decision whether to administer the tube feeding or not. At that point we knew the decision lies in dad.
However, just as everyone was feeling depressed abt this tube thingy, speech therapist did another round of swallowing tests for him. When tickener is added to his water and liquid meal, dad could actually swallow!OMG. so at least for now, we know the feeding tube is not necessary. the therapist taught us that feeding him can only be under 3 circumstances: 1) when he's not tired, 2) when he's alert 3) when his swallowing does not slow down. Yet however, it means that feeding dad will be even more difficult task.
Immediate family members aka all my aunts and uncles came visiting. My dad's close church fren, aunty junying came to give him holy communion. Lol cos dad cant eat the whole piece of communion, lydia and i got a share too. hehe.. feel so blessed after receiving jesus. aunty did healing prayer for dad, kinda emo which evoke tears in all of us. I find it realistic.. where dad really released himself emotionally and just cried out loud, helplessly. He must have suppressed himself too much. I saw him teared occasionally ever since he fell sick. But to see him really cried out, it s the first time in my life..
Moving ahead, we start to plan and imagine what it wld be like after we bring him home. Preparations need to be made.. needa rent wheelchair, a bed like that in hospital, more space at home etc.. And we gotta be prepared, that every single action of his requires help, and we got to have strength.
We are prepared. Bird feather, we're prepared to walk through these final journey with u. It's gonna be more painful and difficult, but we always feel no hassle at all, because u r the husband, and the father.
We never lose hope since the start, and will never lose hope till the end, cos we have god.:)
Finally im so glad that since these few days dad stay in hosp, means mum can finally sleep well at night. Ever since dad's condition worsens, she had never been able to sleep through the night. good night mum!